“Mr. Pronoun?” said Serjeant Parsing, standing up to begin his questioning.

Mr. Pronoun bowed.

“Why are you called Pronoun, sir, and what words do you possess?”

“I am called Pronoun, because I often do the work for my rich neighbour, Mr. Noun. Pro means instead of, so pronoun means instead of noun, and my words are called pronouns because they stand instead of nouns. Mr. Noun, though he is so rich, does not like to have his words used over and over again — he says it wears them out; so to save trouble I put in my little words, which do just as well.”

“And you are not afraid of your words being worn out?” asked the Judge.

“O dear no! my lord,” answered Pronoun. “I think my words are like the iron rails on the railway — the more they are used the brighter they look; it is only the idle ones that get rusty and spoilt. And it is not many of my words that get rusty, I can tell you, my lord. Serjeant Parsing knows how he was one day trying to make sense of Dr. Faustus without me, and what a muddle he made of it. If he will kindly repeat it now, I will show you.”

So Serjeant Parsing said: —

Dr. Faustus was a good man;
Dr. Faustus whipped Dr. Faustus’s scholars now and then
When Dr. Faustus whipped the scholars Dr. Faustus made the scholars dance
Out of England into France.

“There!” said Pronoun. “Let any one try to sing that, and he will find how awkward it is. Now, if you will use my little he or his, instead of saying Dr. Faustus so often, and put them instead of scholars, it will sound much better. Just listen. Please, Mr. Parsing, say it again, and I will come in when I am wanted.”

So Serjeant Parsing said: “Dr. Faustus was a good man.”

“He whipped his,” shouted Pronoun.

“He whipped his scholars now and then. When —— ”

“He whipped them,” shouted Pronoun.

“When he whipped them,” continued Serjeant Parsing.

“He made them dance,” cried Pronoun.

“When he whipped them he made them dance,” repeated Serjeant Parsing, “out of England into France.”

“Ah,” said the Judge, “yes! It is certainly better so. Mr. Noun’s words are not used so often, and all parties are pleased. Then he, his, and them, are pronouns, as they stand instead of nouns. Now tell us what other words you have, Mr. Pronoun.”

“First of all, my lord, I have words which are used instead of the names of people when they are talking of themselves, such as I or me, we or us. When a person is speaking of himself he does not name his own name, but says instead, I or me. Except, indeed, very little children, who say, ‘Baby wants more,’ or, ‘Give baby milk.’ Reasonable persons say, ‘I want more,’ ‘Give me some milk.’”

“The Queen says we in speaking of herself,” remarked the Judge.

“Yes, my lord,” said Pronoun, “the Queen is of course allowed to use we or us when she means only herself; but other people do not use we or us unless they mean more than one person.”

“Then I or me, we or us, are the pronouns used instead of the names of people speaking of themselves, are they, Mr. Pronoun?” inquired Serjeant Parsing.

“Certainly,” replied Pronoun: “and the words used instead of the names of persons you are speaking to are thou, or thee, and you. When I am speaking to you, Mr. Parsing, I say, I tell you; I do not say, I tell Serjeant Parsing.”

“Quite so,” answered Serjeant Parsing; “but why do you not say, I tell thee.”

“Why, the fact is,” replied Mr. Pronoun, “that thou and thee really stand for one person only, and you stands for more than one. But long ago people took it into their heads to fancy that it would be very polite to talk to one person as if he were at least as good as two. It is a very vulgar thing to be only one person, but to be two people rolled into one would be very grand indeed. So when a man was talking to a grand neighbour he called him you instead of thou, and the grand neighbour was so much pleased that it came to be the fashion to say you to every one, and my poor little thou and thee were quite set aside.”

“And are they never used now?” said Serjeant Parsing.

“O yes, they are used,” said Mr. Pronoun; “but as people neglected them in former days, I won’t have them used in common now. You is quite good enough for everyday talk.”

“Well,” said Serjeant Parsing, “you have shown that I or me, we or us, thou or thee, and you, are all your words. Have you any others?”

“Plenty more,” answered Pronoun. “I have he, she, it, and they, to stand instead of persons or things you are talking about.

Tom took Maria on the ice;
It broke, and she fell in;
He got a rope, and in a trice
He pulled her out again.
If they had both been drowned, you know,
Folks would have said, “I told you so.”

“There it stands for ice, and she for Maria, and he for Tom, and they for Tom and Maria together. So you see clearly that he, she, it, and they are pronouns.”

“I do not think any one could deny it,” said Serjeant Parsing. “Have you any other words?”

“O yes, there are plenty more words that stand instead of nouns. My, thy, his, our, your, their, which are used to show that something belongs to the person these words stand instead of. Just as instead of saying Dr. Faustus’s scholars, we said his scholars; and as in speaking to you, my lord, I should not say Judge Grammar’s wig, but your wig.”

“You need not say anything about my wig,” said the Judge, rather testily. “Mind your own words, sir, and tell us what others you have.”

“I have who and which,” replied Pronoun. “Instead of saying, ‘I met a man, the man had no eyes,’ you say, ‘I met a man who had no eyes;’ so my little who saves Mr. Noun’s man. Instead of saying, ‘I will tell you a tale, a tale was told to me,’ you can say, ‘I will tell you a tale which was told to me;’ so which stands instead of tale.”

“We understand,” said the Judge. “No more of your tales now, if you please. You have no more words, I suppose?”

“Indeed I have, my lord. This and that, these and those, are pronouns. For when you say, ‘Look at this,’ you mean a picture, or a sum, or anything else that this may happen to stand for; and when you say, ‘Take that,’ that stands for a halfpenny, or a kick, or anything else you may be giving at the time. And if you sing to a child — if your lordship ever does sing — which does not seem very likely —— ”

“Mind your words, sir,” said the Judge, again. “If we sing what?”

“If you sing ‘This is the way the lady goes,’ then this stands for the jogging up and down of my knee, the way the lady goes.”

“Really, Mr. Pronoun,” said the Judge, “you are very childish. The Schoolroom-shire people are quite ashamed of you. We shall ask for no more of your words to-day, for I suppose, after all, they are easy enough to find out.”

“All words that stand instead of nouns belong to me,” said Pronoun; “but they are not quite so easy to find out as you suppose. Those that stand instead of persons, like I, thou, he, we, you, they, any one can find out. I have told you about a good many others, and if Serjeant Parsing wishes to discover the rest for himself —— ”

“He does, sir,” said the Judge, who was getting very tired and hungry. “You may go. I will only ask you to assist our Schoolroom-shire friends in making the following verses right. They read very queerly at present; but if you can set them right, I think we shall agree that what you have been saying of your words is true.”

The Judge then wished them all good-morning, and went to lunch off a few pages of dictionary.

Here are the verses.

There was a man, the man had no eyes,
And the man went out to view the skies;
The man saw a tree with apples on,
The man took no apples off, and left no apples on.

Little Bo-peep has lost Bo-peep’s sheep,
And does not know where to find the sheep;
Leave the sheep alone till the sheep come home,
And bring the sheep’s tails behind the sheep.

Matilda dashed the spectacles away
To wipe Matilda’s tingling eyes;
And as in twenty bits the spectacles lay,
Matilda’s grandmamma Matilda spies.

Grammar-Land

Chapter IV.
Serjeant Parsing’s Visit to Schoolroom-shire

SergeantParsingSergeant Parsing

Serjeant Parsing paid a visit to Schoolroom-shire.

“My young friends,” he said, in his most amiable voice, “may I trouble you with a little piece of business for Judge Grammar to-day. I have here a story, and the Judge requests that you will kindly find out how many of the words in it belong to Mr. Noun, how many to Mr. Pronoun, and how often little ragged Article comes in. The best way to do this is to get your slates, and mark off a piece for Mr. Noun, another for Mr. Pronoun, and a corner somewhere for little Article. Write their names in each. Now I will read the story, and whenever I come to a noun, give Mr. Noun a mark; whenever I read a pronoun, give a mark to Mr. Pronoun; and if I read an a, an, or the, put down a mark to little Article. When it is finished we will count up and see who has the most marks.”

Serjeant Parsing then read the following story: —

“Some sailors belonging to a ship of war had a monkey on board. The monkey had often watched the men firing off a cannon, so one day when they were all at dinner he thought he should like to fire it too. So he took a match, as he had seen the men do, struck it, put it to the touch-hole, and looked into the mouth of the cannon, to see the ball come out. The ball did come out, and alas! alas! the poor little monkey fell down dead.”

Grammar-Land
Grammar-Land

Chapter V.
Mr. Adjective

A Brave PrinceA Good QueenAdjectivesQualifyNounsA Brave Prince A Good Queen Adjectives Qualify Nouns

The next Part-of-Speech called up before Judge Grammar was Mr. Adjective.

“My young friends in Schoolroom-shire,” said Serjeant Parsing, “must know Mr. Adjective well. He is the greatest chatterbox and the veriest gossip that ever lived. You never in all your life, my lord, knew any one who could say so much about one thing as Mr. Adjective. Mr. Noun cannot mention a word, but Mr. Adjective is ready to tell all about it, whether it is little or big, blue or green, good or bad, and mischief enough he does in Schoolroom-shire. For instance, if Noun mentions Willy’s pen — ‘Nasty, spluttering, cross-nibbed thing,’ whispers Adjective, and Willy thinks that is why he wrote such a bad copy, and did not dot his i’s. If Mr. Noun points out pussy, who is coming into the room, purring and rubbing her head against the leg of each chair as she passes, Adjective whispers that she is a ‘dear, sweet, soft, warm, little pet,’ so Milly leaves off her sums to pick her up and play with her. Ann, the housemaid, finds dirty boot-marks on her nice clean stairs, and as soon as she sees Tom she tells him he is a ‘tiresome, untidy, disobedient, and naughty boy,’ not knowing that Mr. Adjective was whispering all those words in her ear. Indeed, Mr. Adjective causes more quarrels in Schoolroom-shire, and other places too, than any one can tell. Only yesterday Jane and Lucy had a quarrel, I hear, because Jane pulled the arm off Lucy’s doll. If Adjective had not put into Lucy’s head to call Jane naughty and unkind, Jane would not have answered that Lucy was cross and disagreeable. She would most likely have said, ‘I beg your pardon, I did not mean to do it,’ and they would have been friends again directly. See how much mischief is caused by talkative, gossiping Mr. Adjective.”

“Really, Mr. Parsing,” remarked Adjective, now putting in his word for the first time, “you have made a long speech to show how mischievous I am. Pray, have you nothing to say about the good that my kind, loving words do?”

“Oh, certainly, my dear sir,” said Serjeant Parsing, suddenly changing his tone. “When you like any one you are a very good-natured fellow, and can say all sorts of sweet things. I heard you in Schoolroom-shire telling Mary that her mamma is her own dearest, kindest, sweetest mother — that baby is a bright, bonny little darling — that Fido is a good, faithful old doggie — and that home is the happiest place in the whole wide world. Oh, yes,” continued Serjeant Parsing, “you can call people good names as well as bad.”

“I do not call people names,” said Adjective, indignantly. “I qualify them. I could qualify you, Mr. Parsing, and say you are an impertinent, rude —— ”

“That will do, Mr. Adjective,” interrupted the Judge. “We understand what you mean by qualifying. But tell us, are your words always placed before nouns?”

“Oh, no, my lord,” answered Adjective. “They can, almost all of them, be used before a noun, but they are often used after it, in this way: —

The sky is blue,
The sun is bright,
My words are true,
The snow is white.

“You could also say, blue sky, bright sun, true words, white snow, but it does not sound so well, I think. And when a pronoun stands instead of a noun, and my words qualify it —— ”

“Oh, you qualify pronouns as well as nouns, do you?” asked Serjeant Parsing.

“I am obliged to do so sometimes,” said Mr. Adjective, rather sulkily. “I will not have my words used before a pronoun, as they are before a noun. You can say: —

I am right,
And you are wrong;
It is late,
And we are strong.

But you must not say: right I, wrong you, late it, or strong we.”

“I should think not,” said Serjeant Parsing, laughing. “Then we are to understand that adjectives are used to qualify nouns and pronouns, and that they may be used before a noun or after it, but not before a pronoun.”

“Quite right, so far,” said Mr. Adjective; “but I can do other things besides qualifying nouns.”

“What can you do?”

“I can tell how many there are of the thing the noun names, one, two, three, four, and so on. And whether the thing is the first, second, third, or fourth, and so on. And whether there are some things, many things, few things, more things, no things.”

“And all these words are adjectives, are they?”

“Yes,” answered Adjective. “All words that can be put before thing or things are adjectives.”

“A thing, the thing,” remarked little Article, looking up with a cunning smile at Adjective. “A and the are both articles.”

“A and the don’t count, of course,” said Adjective, impatiently. “Besides, they were adjectives once, people say, only they got so worn out, that I let my ragged little cousin Article have them. But except a and the, there is no word that you can put before thing or things that is not an adjective. A beautiful thing, an ugly thing, bad things, good things, green things, yellow things, large things, little things; and so you can say, one thing, two things, some things, any things; and also, this thing, that thing, these things, those things.”

“That seems a very easy way of finding out an adjective,” remarked the Judge. “I hope it is a correct way.”

“Indeed it is, my lord,” said Adjective, earnestly. “See, I can give you many more examples.

A lovely, graceful, beautiful thing,
A useful, homely, dutiful thing;
Foolish, childish, useless things;
Handsome, rich, and priceless things.”

“My lord,” said Mr. Noun, coming forward and speaking in a solemn voice, “I accuse Mr. Adjective of stealing, and wish him to be sent to prison.”

“Indeed!” said the Judge; “but he must be tried first, and you must prove him guilty before I have him punished. What do you say he has stolen?”

“My lord, he is constantly stealing my words, and only just now he used these without my leave, in open court: love, grace, beauty, use, home, duty.”

“Enough,” said the Judge. “I certainly heard him use some such words only just now. Critics,” he called to the policemen, for that is the name they have in Grammar-land, “seize Mr. Adjective, and keep him safe until the court meets again, when he shall be tried for stealing.” Then turning to the people of Schoolroom-shire, the Judge continued, “My friends, I shall be much obliged if you will look over the following story, and strike out of it all the words belonging to Mr. Adjective. I cannot allow them to remain side by side with other words, until it is proved that Mr. Adjective is not guilty of stealing them.”

The Judge then rose, and poor Mr. Adjective was led out of the court, with his hands bound.

The following is the story which the Judge sent to the people of Schoolroom-shire.

The Maiden Prince.

A long, long time ago, there lived in a grey old castle, a widowed queen, who had one only child, a beautiful bright boy. “My good husband was killed in the terrible war,” said the timid queen, “and if my dear son grows up to be a strong man, I fear that he will go to the cruel wars, too, and be killed. So he shall learn nothing about rough war, but shall be brought up like a simple maiden.” So she taught him all maidenly duties, to spin, and to weave, and to sew, and she thought he was too simple and quiet to wish to go to war; but one day there came to the great castle gate a noble knight riding a gallant charger. “Come,” he cried to the young prince, “come, follow me. I ride to fight with the wicked and strong who are oppressing the weak and the poor.” Up sprang, in a moment, the fair young boy, flung aside his girlish work, seized his father’s battered sword, and leaped into the saddle behind the noble knight. “Farewell, dear mother,” he cried, “no more girlish work for me. I must be a brave man, as my father was, and conquer or die in the rightful cause.” Then the foolish queen saw that it was useless to try to make a daring boy into a timid maiden.

Grammar-Land

Chapter VI.
Mr. Adjective Tried for Stealing

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There was great excitement in the court the next day; and when every one was assembled, except Adjective, the Judge called out: “Bring the prisoner in;” and poor Adjective was led in between two Critics, with his hands tied behind him, and placed before the Judge.

Serjeant Parsing rose, and began to question him.

“Is your name Adjective?” he said. “It is,” answered Adjective.

“And you possess all the adjectives in Grammar-land?”

“I do.”

“What is an adjective?”

“A word used to qualify a noun.”

“What is a noun?”

“Please, my lord, need I answer that?” asked Adjective.

“Certainly,” replied the Judge.

“It is not fair,” said Adjective; “nouns are not my words.”

“But you must know what a noun is, in order that you may use your adjectives properly.”

“Of course I know what a noun is — it is a name, the name of anything.”

“Then do you know the difference between a noun and an adjective?” asked Serjeant Parsing.

“Certainly. A noun is the name of a thing. An adjective tells you something about the thing the noun has named; whether it is large or small, or what colour it is, or how much there is of it, or whether there are few things or many, or something of that sort.”

“Quite so; but can you find out at once, without much thinking, whether a word is a noun or an adjective?”

“If you can put an article before a word, then it is a noun,” answered Adjective; “as, a man, the dog.”

“Then when I say, ‘Pity the poor,’ of course poor is a noun, is it?”

“No,” said Adjective, quickly; “poor is my word, I know, for you can say poor child, a poor thing. ‘Pity the poor’ really means, ‘Pity the poor people;’ but Mr. Noun is so stingy, that when he thinks the sentence will be understood without his word, he just leaves it out, and then people say the noun is understood.”

“Exactly so; but your way of finding out a noun does not answer, you see, for the first time I try it, you tell me the word I have found is an adjective.”

“It always answers unless there happens to be a word understood,” replied Adjective, “and then it answers if you use your reason; for any one would know that you are not asked to pity a thing called a poor, but to pity poor people. But it is not fair, my lord,” continued Adjective, turning to the Judge. “Here am I, a poor prisoner, unjustly accused of stealing, and Mr. Parsing is trying to puzzle me as much as he can.”

“Not at all,” replied Serjeant Parsing. “I only want you to be sure that you know clearly the difference between a noun and an adjective.”

“I do,” answered Adjective, “quite clearly.”

“Well, then, answer this question. What is the word beauty?”

“Beauty?” repeated Adjective, getting rather red; “beauty is a noun.”