by
Aristophanes

Translated by William James Hickie

Dramatis Personae

Strepsiades
Phidippides
Servant of Strepsiades
Disciples of Socrates
Socrates
Chorus of Clouds
Just Cause
Unjust Cause
Pasias
Amynias
Witness
Chaerephon

Scene: The Interior of a Sleeping-Apartment:

Strepsiades, Phidippides, and two servants are in their beds; a small house is seen at a distance. Time: midnight.

Strepsiades (sitting up in his bed).
Ah me! Ah me! O King Jupiter, of what a terrible length the nights are! Will it never be day? And yet long since I heard the cock. My domestics are snoring; but they would not have done so heretofore! May you perish then, O war! For many reasons; because I may not even punish my domestics. Neither does this excellent youth awake through the night; but takes his ease, wrapped up in five blankets. Well, if it is the fashion, let us snore wrapped up.

[Lies down, and then almost immediately starts up again.]

But I am not able, miserable man, to sleep, being tormented by my expenses, and my stud of horses, and my debts, through this son of mine. He with his long hair, is riding horses and driving curricles, and dreaming of horses; while I am driven to distraction, as I see the moon bringing on the twentieths; for the interest is running on. Boy! Light a lamp, and bring forth my tablets, that I may take them and read to how many I am indebted, and calculate the interest.

[Enter boy with a light and tablets.]

Come, let me see; what do I owe? Twelve minae to Pasias. Why twelve minae to Pasias? Why did I borrow them? When I bought the blood-horse. Ah me, unhappy! Would that it had had its eye knocked out with a stone first!

Phidippides (talking in his sleep).
You are acting unfairly, Philo! Drive on your own course.

Strep.
This is the bane that has destroyed me; for even in his sleep he dreams about horsemanship.

Phid.
How many courses will the war-chariots run?

Strep.
Many courses do you drive me, your father. But what debt came upon me after Pasias? Three minae to Amynias for a little chariot and pair of wheels.

Phid.
Lead the horse home, after having given him a good rolling.

Strep.
O foolish youth, you have rolled me out of my possessions; since I have been cast in suits, and others say that they will have surety given them for the interest.

Phid. (awakening)
Pray, father, why are you peevish, and toss about the whole night?

Strep.
A bailiff out of the bedclothes is biting me.

Phid.
Suffer me, good sir, to sleep a little.

Strep.
Then, do you sleep on; but know that all these debts will turn on your head.

[Phidippides falls asleep again.]

Alas! Would that the match-maker had perished miserably, who induced me to marry your mother. For a country life used to be most agreeable to me, dirty, untrimmed, reclining at random, abounding in bees, and sheep, and oil-cake. Then I, a rustic, married a niece of Megacles, the son of Megacles, from the city, haughty, luxurious, and Coesyrafied. When I married her, I lay with her redolent of new wine, of the cheese-crate, and abundance of wool; but she, on the contrary, of ointment, saffron, wanton-kisses, extravagance, gluttony, and of Colias and Genetyllis. I will not indeed say that she was idle; but she wove. And I used to show her this cloak by way of a pretext and say “Wife, you weave at a great rate.”

Servant re-enters.

Servant.
We have no oil in the lamp.

Strep.
Ah me! Why did you light the thirsty lamp? Come hither that you may weep!

Ser.
For what, pray, shall I weep?

Strep.
Because you put in one of the thick wicks.

[Servant runs out]

After this, when this son was born to us, to me, forsooth, and to my excellent wife, we squabbled then about the name: for she was for adding hippos to the name, Xanthippus, or Charippus, or Callipides; but I was for giving him the name of his grandfather, Phidonides. For a time therefore we disputed; and then at length we agreed, and called him Phidippides. She used to take this son and fondle him, saying, “When you, being grown up, shall drive your chariot to the city, like Megacles, with a xystis.” But I used to say, “Nay, rather, when dressed in a leathern jerkin, you shall drive goats from Phelleus, like your father.” He paid no attention to my words, but poured a horse-fever over my property. Now, therefore, by meditating the whole night, I have discovered one path for my course extraordinarily excellent; to which if I persuade this youth I shall be saved. But first I wish to awake him. How then can I awake him in the most agreeable manner? How? Phidippides, my little Phidippides?

Phid.
What, father?

Strep.
Kiss me, and give me your right hand!

Phid.
There. What’s the matter?

Strep.
Tell me, do you love me?

Phid.
Yes, by this Equestrian Neptune.

Strep.
Nay, do not by any means mention this Equestrian to me, for this god is the author of my misfortunes. But, if you really love me from your heart, my son, obey me.

Phid.
In what then, pray, shall I obey you?

Strep.
Reform your habits as quickly as possible, and go and learn what I advise.

Phid.
Tell me now, what do you prescribe?

Strep.
And will you obey me at all?

Phid.
By Bacchus, I will obey you.

Strep.
Look this way then! Do you see this little door and little house?

Phid.
I see it. What then, pray, is this, father?

Strep.
This is a thinking-shop of wise spirits. There dwell men who in speaking of the heavens persuade people that it is an oven, and that it encompasses us, and that we are the embers. These men teach, if one give them money, to conquer in speaking, right or wrong.

Phid.
Who are they?

Strep.
I do not know the name accurately. They are minute philosophers, noble and excellent.

Phid.
Bah! They are rogues; I know them. You mean the quacks, the pale-faced wretches, the bare-footed fellows, of whose numbers are the miserable Socrates and Chaerephon.

Strep.
Hold! Hold! Be silent! Do not say anything foolish. But, if you have any concern for your father’s patrimony, become one of them, having given up your horsemanship.

Phid.
I would not, by Bacchus, even if you were to give me the pheasants which Leogoras rears!

Strep.
Go, I entreat you, dearest of men, go and be taught.

Phid.
Why, what shall I learn?

Strep.
They say that among them are both the two causes — the better cause, whichever that is, and the worse: they say that the one of these two causes, the worse, prevails, though it speaks on the unjust side. If, therefore you learn for me this unjust cause, I would not pay any one, not even an obolus of these debts, which I owe at present on your account.

Phid.
I can not comply; for I should not dare to look upon the knights, having lost all my colour.

Strep.
Then, by Ceres, you shall not eat any of my good! Neither you, nor your blood-horse; but I will drive you out of my house to the crows.

Phid.
My uncle Megacles will not permit me to be without a horse. But I’ll go in, and pay no heed to you.

[Exit Phidippides.]

Strep.
Though fallen, still I will not lie prostrate: but having prayed to the gods, I will go myself to the thinking-shop and get taught. How, then, being an old man, shall I learn the subtleties of refined disquisitions? I must go. Why thus do I loiter and not knock at the door?