The Autobiography of a Goat

by
Frances Trego Montgomery

Mr. Wagner Buys a Goat

Mr. Wagner lived about two miles from a small town, and he thought it would be nice for his boys to have a little goat cart, so they could drive into town for mail and do errands for the family.

Without saying anything to his family, he appeared one evening leading a nice, docile looking, long-bearded Billy goat, hitched to a beautiful new red wagon.

Of course, the boys were wild with delight, and their mother disgusted, for she predicted that he would be more bother than he was worth, and would eat up all the things in the garden. They answered her that they would take good care that he never got loose, and that no wrong would happen, if she would only let them keep the goat. So with many misgivings she gave her consent, and Billy was led to the stable behaving like a lamb.

The boys christened him Billy Whiskers immediately, on account of his long white beard. It being a warm night, they tied him near a shed, so if it rained he could go under it for protection, and giving him some grass and a bucket of water, they went to bed to dream of the fun they were going to have the next day with Billy Whiskers.

It was five hours later when Billy awakened from his first long sleep, and feeling refreshed, thought he would take a look around. It was bright moonlight, and as all the lights were out in the house, he knew he would not be disturbed, for when he went to a new place he did not like to be interfered with when he made his first explorations, and he always preferred making them at night, and alone. You will no doubt think that he could not explore much, tied to a short rope, but if you think the rope made any difference you do not know the ways of an educated goat, and Billy had no Kindergarten education either, but a regular High School training in that respect.

He turned, and taking the rope in his mouth as he had done many times before, he quietly and peacefully chewed it until it fell apart, and then with a kick of his heels, and a wink at the house, he went toward the garden. From this direction the evening breeze was wafting to his nostrils sweet odors of dew-sprinkled lettuce and tender beet tops.

He ate up all the lettuce, or at least all the choice heads, and what beets he did not eat, he stepped on. Then he walked across the flower beds, and trampled down all the flowers, in a short cut to the pump, for he was getting thirsty.

On his way to the pump he thought he saw a man coming down the road, so he hurried along and went up on the veranda of the house to stand in the shadow until the man went by, for he knew that men often interfere with a goat’s pleasure, even if it is only a moonlight stroll.

The man having passed, he walked around the veranda trying every now and then to look in at the window to see what kind of a house his new master had. At last he came to the front door and he could not help trying to taste the bell knob, it looked so much like a knob of salt in the moonlight. To be sure he knew that it was not salt, but it did look so good to eat, and he had often eaten things before that were not down on the diet list of a goat, so he took another chew but, horrors! what was that! There was a terrible ringing and clanging in the house, — it sounded like a fire bell; and the next minute Mr. Wagner stuck his head out of the window and wanted to know who was there. Of course there was no answer, and Billy stood as still as possible to listen and see what Mr. Wagner would do next; then he walked to the edge of the porch, and heard Mr. Wagner say, “Who is there? Can’t you answer, or are you deaf and dumb, or drunk?”

Still no response, and Billy walked back and gave another lick at the bell, which immediately gave another loud ring. Mr. Wagner drew his head in, and Billy heard him say, “I’ll come down and break your stupid head for you, wakening people up this time of the night!” When Billy heard this, he thought that it was time to go, so he scooted around the house, and went and laid down by his rope, just as if he were still tied and had not stirred a peg.

Mr. Wagner opened the door, and finding no one there, walked around the house holding a candle over his head to see if some drunken tramp had not rung the bell. He thought that he heard steps on the veranda as he came to the door, but no one was in sight only Billy Whiskers, apparently asleep by the shed.

“Hello! Billy old fellow, how are you getting along? Seen anyone around here lately?”

But Billy only blinked and laughed in his skin to see Mr. Wagner prancing around in his night-shirt, with the tallow from the candle dropping on his bald head.

Mr. Wagner went in and was about to get into bed, when he thought he saw in the moonlight a figure come out of the shed and go toward the house. The moon went under a cloud just at that minute and was hid from sight, so he kept still, straining his eyes to see and his ears to hear. He heard the chain rattle on the bucket at the well.

“Oh! ho!” he thought, “the tramp thinks that I have gone to bed, and that he will get a drink, and then prowl around some more. Well, we will see. I will just get my shot gun and fire a shot to scare him, if he does not answer.”

So grabbing his gun, which always stood by the window loaded for use, he called out again:

“Who is there? Speak, or I’ll shoot!”

As the words left his mouth, an object started on a run from the well, and Mr. Wagner fired, not stopping to see what it was, but supposing it to be a man. Just then the moon sailed from under the cloud, and there in the moonlight lay poor Billy Whiskers stunned and nearly frightened to death with a flesh wound in his side. When Mr. Wagner saw what he had done, and that it was only the goat, he pulled down the window, and went to bed, too mad to even go to see if the goat was dead or not.

The next morning Billy was as lively as ever, only a little faint from loss of blood and rather subdued. The children bathed his wound with witch hazel, and after a good breakfast, he was as well as ever, and ready for play or work.

Of course Mrs. Wagner said, “I told you so,” several times, only varying it with, “Yes, you just wait and see, that goat will get into more trouble than he is worth, just see if he won’t.”

When she said this, she did not know of the midnight meal off her nice lettuce he had had in the garden.

Billy did not get into much mischief during the remainder of the day, except chewing up the dish-rags which were hung on the lilac bush to dry, and all the flowers off the oleander.

The next day was his unlucky day, maybe because it was Friday. It happened in this way, Mr. Wagner had some extra nice strawberries, which he had taken special pains to pick and fix up, intending to send them to a friend in town. He told the boys that they could take the goat cart and drive into town, with the berries and some nice lettuce for his friend, and get the mail on the way back.

The boys were delighted at the prospect of driving Billy in the new cart. They packed the things in nicely, and hitching Billy up, drove out of the lane in fine style, on a fast trot. Everything went well until half-way to town, when Jimmy Brown sicked his dog on the goat, and then the trouble commenced.

In two minutes, he had sent the dog flying over the fence.

Billy Whiskers made a plunge for the dog, missed him, but gave the cart a quick jerk, which spilled the boys and the berries out in great shape, and then the scrimmage began. The boys went for Jimmy Brown, and the goat for the dog, dragging the overturned cart with him, and in two minutes, he had sent the dog flying over the fence, with his sharp horns. He then proceeded to walk quietly back to where the strawberries and lettuce were lying in the road, and commenced eating them, as if nothing had happened at all. All this time the boys were pulling each other’s hair, and rolling over in the dust, in a regular pitched battle. Billy having eaten all he cared for, walked off and lay down in the shade to rest, still dragging the cart after him. He was just losing himself in sleep, when he was jerked to his feet in a hurry; the cart was straightened; and before he knew what he was about, he was being driven toward home as fast as his legs could go, and from the conversation he learned that they had taken their departure so hurriedly because they had seen Jimmy’s big brother coming down the road, and they did not care to stop and fight him too. Arriving at home, with dirty, bloody faces; clothes torn, and no letter of thanks from the people the berries had been sent to, the boys were afraid to go in so they decided that the best plan would be to cry and howl and limp, as if they were nearly dead, to excite their mother’s sympathy; so that she would be too frightened to scold them. They made the small holes larger in their clothes, rubbed a little more dirt on their faces, and squeezed a little more blood out of their scratches; and screaming at the top of their voices, they drove into the lane. The ruse was a success, for first came Kate, the cook, to see what was the matter; then John, the hired man; and last mother and father, from out of the garden where they had been examining the damages which Billy had done two nights before.

All mother said was, “That goat has to be sold, Silas Wagner, I told you that trouble would come when you brought that long whiskered animal home.”

And the next day the goat was sold.

Billy Whiskers Makes Trouble

The day after Billy Whiskers was sold to the Biggses he was shut in a small yard to keep him out of mischief. Feeling lonesome, he thought that he would jump the fence and look around a little. He was getting cross-eyed looking through the palings of the fence which were very close together, so suiting the action to the thought, he vaulted over the fence, landing in a kettle of scarlet dye, that had been left there to cool. When he got out of the kettle the fore-part of him was scarlet, and the hind, white, but he did not mind that, so after shaking the drops from his eyes and beard, he was as ready to explore as if nothing had happened.

Seeing the kitchen door open, he went up the steps softly and looked in. He could see no one in the kitchen, and smelling some nice sweet-cakes, which had just been taken out of the oven and placed on the table, he walked cautiously across the floor and began to eat them. From the floor he could only reach a few, so he mounted a chair, and from that stepped onto the table. As he did so, he stepped into a large loaf cake with frosting on it. While kicking that off, and licking the frosting off his feet, he caught sight of a nice red apple that one of the children had put on a small shelf for safe keeping. This he quickly packed away where moth and rust doth not corrupt. Hearing some noise, he was about to get off the table, when raising his head, he faced another goat. But this goat must have come from the infernal regions for in all his life he had never seen such a villainous looking fellow. Billy was no coward, so he backed off as far as the table would allow, and then butted forward as hard as he could. A crash! a bang! and the other goat was upon him, and they both rolled off the table.

Where had the other goat disappeared when he had butted him, and what was this thing around his neck? A looking-glass frame, with little pieces of glass sticking in it. Backing out of the frame, Billy went in pursuit of the other goat; for he did not know that it was his own image he had butted in the kitchen looking-glass. Seeing a dark hall-way, he went boldly in, and walked on toward a light he saw at the other end. Arriving there, he found that the light came from a window in the parlor. He marched in, still looking for his rival, but soon forgot him in gazing at the things in the room, especially a fancy basket of fruit under a glass cover. Now Billy was very partial to fruit of all kinds, so he upset the marble-top table the basket was setting on and out rolled all the luscious looking fruit. He bit into a rosy cheeked peach, but of all fruit he had ever eaten, this was the most tasteless and tough. It stuck to his teeth so he could not separate his upper jaw from his lower. Just then he heard voices, and some one say:

“Susie, I heard a terrible crash down stairs. You had better run down and see what it was. You may have left the kitchen door open and the cat possibly came in and upset something.”

Then he heard Susie say, “All right, Mum.”

He thought that if anyone was coming down he had better get out so he started on a run, but the door at the end of the hall had blown shut, and the only other way of escape was up the front stairs. As he reached the top, he saw Susie who had been scrubbing the top of the back stairs, throw down her brush, preparatory to going to see what the noise was. They both caught sight of each other at the same moment, and Susie thought the long, sinister looking, scarlet-bearded face with the horns, that appeared at the top of the stairs, was the devil; and with a blood-curdling scream she threw up her hands and rolled to the foot of the stairs, upsetting the pail of suds that she had clutched when she felt herself falling. There she lay too frightened to move, but Billy rushed on trying to find a way out for he commenced to feel that there would be trouble if he were found.

Mrs. Biggs, hearing Susie scream, rushed to the door with her mouth full of tacks, and a hammer in her hand, just in time to get butted into by Billy, which laid her flat on her back in less time than you can wink. As luck would have it, the shock made her open her mouth and the tacks flew out for if she had swallowed them she would never have gotten off her back.

Billy Whiskers gave her one look when he saw what he had done, and turned and fled back down the stairs, and out the front door between the legs of Mr. Biggs who was just coming in, and Billy being a big goat, and Mr. Biggs a short, stout man, there was not much room to go through, but it was the first daylight Billy had seen, so he gave Mr. Biggs a boost as he straddled his back, which helped him to fall off, over the side of the porch where he landed in a nice soft bed of geraniums.

As Billy was a knowing goat, he decided that they would not care for him after what had happened, nor look for him if he disappeared, so seeing the front gate open, he ran out and trotted down the road and that was the last that was heard of him. His surmises were right. The Biggses never even looked for him.

Billy at the Soda Fountain

After Billy Whiskers had left Mr. Biggs, he trotted slowly down the road wondering where he would get his next meal for he well knew he would never dare go back to Mr. Biggses after upsetting him in the geranium bed and causing all the mischief he had there that day. But being a goat of a cheerful frame of mind and used to looking out for himself, he did not worry much, and decided he would enter the first garden he came to, and make a free lunch off the vegetables, or go into a turnip patch and feast on them for if there was anything he doted on it was nice, sweet turnips, fresh from the fields.

He had gone some distance, and no patch or garden appearing that was not enclosed by a high, barbed-wire fence, he commenced to get discouraged. Feeling hungry and thirsty he was about wishing he had behaved himself at Mr. Biggses so he could go back, when he came to a turn in the road and there before him stood a frame building, with the door open and over the door a large picture of a white Polar bear sitting on a cake of ice, drinking a foaming glass of soda-water, while in a circle round him sat little bears, each with a glass of something cool to drink.

“This is just the place I have been looking for,” thought Billy, “where thirsty animals can get a drink.” So in he walked, much to the fright of a party of picnickers, who were sitting around a little table drinking soda-water and lemonade, and eating ice-cream.

The man at the soda fountain on seeing Billy was so surprised that he forgot to turn off the fizz he was putting into a glass of soda he was mixing, and it foamed up and ran up his sleeve and all over everything.

This caused the young people to laugh, which made the young man behind the counter mad. He picked up a bottle of ginger-ale and pretended to throw it at Billy, but alas for his intentions! He raised it too high; it hit a large bottle of syrup that stood on a shelf behind him, breaking both bottles at the same time, and instead of hurting Billy, he got a sticky bath of syrup and a shower of ginger in his own eyes. This was adding insult to injury, he thought, and this last mishap turned the laughter of the crowd into a scream of merriment which did not lessen his anger in the least. He grabbed a broom that stood near by and jumping over the counter went for Billy, who all this time had been standing still, doing nothing but looking at the man and waiting for him to give him a drink of some kind.